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Stories from a man who fails to meet media expectations of what it means to be gay:
white, frivolous, over sexed yet sexless, shrill, single, stylish, a clown, unimportant, et al.
Mon 08/19/2002
summer reading
John brought himself several books to read over the course of summer. Some mysteries; some nonfiction; some generic, light, fluffy stuff; and some �gay,� light, fluffy stuff. After reading, or rather trying to read some of them, I�ve come to realize that while there is nothing wrong per say with �fluff,� and there is nothing wrong necessarily with �gay,� putting them together is a recipe for disaster.
This is not one of my characteristic overstatements. Well, at least not as much of one as I would have wished. Quite frankly, a lot of the stuff was tripe. It is possible that I may have accidentally read several annoyingly bad stories in a row, but I somehow doubt that.
Thing is, there should be such a thing as good gay summer fluff reading. So, falling somewhere along the idea of those who can�t do, teach, here are some admittedly biased rules for not ticking off your would be readers.
Nico�s rules for writing gay fluff:
1) Proof read the dang thing.
I don't mean grammar and spelling, since I am the last person in the world who should criticize, but rather continuity.
There is nothing quite as annoying as having to put a book down and thinking "what?" because a character introduced as being �very tall� in the first chapter somehow ends up being barely five foot tall a couple of chapters later.
Trust me. It's distracting. It's annoying. It will make your readers wonder why they should care about the story, if you apparently couldn't be bothered to do so yourself.
2) Spare us the Clich�s and please write something original.
Why does it feel as if I�m reading the same story over and over again? Why are all the protagonists cute, young, white guys? Why is it that they are only allowed to be struggling actors, unsuccessful writers, too smart playwrights, closeted high school teens, or English Lit grad students?
Why do they all seem to live in New York, San Francisco, or worse, Los Angeles?
Ugh, Los Angeles. If you MUST set your story in Los Angeles, for pity sake don't bother with the obligatory trashing of the city. Yes, yes, yes, WE ALL KNOW that the city is a smog filled, traffic bound disaster, filled with rude, stupid, steroided, insecure, blond, tanned, white, actor/waiters waiting for either their big break, or for the city to fall into ocean in the next earthquake, whichever happens to come first.
It has already been written before. Many, many, many times.
Try something different.
3) Put some people of color in these dang things already!
If you really want the protagonist to be white, fine, go ahead and make make him white. Nearly every single book, tv show, and movie I see expects me to identify with with the white guy main character. I can do that. I�ve had plenty of practice. But is it really necessary for practically ALL of the characters to be white as well?
Returning to fluffy fiction occurring in Los Angeles for a moment, HOW exactly is it possible to set a story in a city were the population is nearly 50% Latino, and yet ONLY have white characters? Just because you are writing fluff it doesn�t mean that you have to abandon all sense of reality.
In the last three stories I read, there was one Latina maid and one African-American Limo driver. Not only was everyone else anglo, they also had a tendency to be blond and blue eyed as well.
Actually, there was a Latino go-go boy. But since he was just a generic lust object who didn�t even merit a name, I�m not bothering to count him as a �real� character. Considering that the maid showed up for an entire one paragraph to serve coffee, I'm probably stretching things by counting her at all.
4) Where are all the Women???
Unless a story is set in an all male commune, or a science fiction one gender future, why ignore half of the population of the planet?
Returning to those three pesky stories, the only women were the Latina maid and a couple of domineering mothers who showed up during a "coming out to my parents was terrible" flashback.
The �No girls allowed� sign is prominently posted on many of these stories. Even the old clich� fag hag best friend seems to have been banished. Having been replaced by no one, she leaves behind a world of white gay boys who only know, only socialize, and only interact with other white gay boys.
This is supposed to be interesting?
5) This youth obsession thing is tired and boring.
Under NO circumstances, describe a character as being a weary old man, unable to get a date or even pity sex because he is so pathetically decrepit and withered, only reveal that he his all of thirty-three. You will be stoned for doing this, and rightfully so.
In the real world, life doesn't end at thirty. Not even gay life. Not even gay sex life. I know several men in their forties and beyond who routinely have men both young and old lusting after them. In the fluff I've read, these guys would be beyond ancient and therefore somehow worthless, which is an incredibly stupid attitude.
If everything worthwhile in life ends at thirty, then what exactly are you supposed to do with the rest of, and quite possibly, the MAJORITY of your life?
6)AIDS EXISTS.
This bears repeating. AIDS EXISTS. So unless you're writing a work of fantasy, or a historical piece, you are going to have to deal with this simple fact of life.
Which means that if your characters decide to start #@%&!! All over the #@%&!! place, there had better #@%&!! well be a mention of some #@%&!! Condoms!!!!
No one is asking for a safe sex lecture, but if there must be sex in these stories, and for some reason it appears there MUST BE, then Aids, safe sex, nonsafe sex, and other issues need to be dealt with. Real people somehow manage to do this everyday. It shouldn't be that difficult to have fictional ones do so as well.
7) If your protagonist is a bottom, then just admit that he is a bottom.
There is nothing wrong with being a #@%&!! Bottom!!! It will not reflect badly on you. No one assumes that murder mystery writers are murderers. No one will assume you are a #@%&!! Bottom, just because you wrote about someone who is. Besides which, who the #@%&!! Cares?!? Get over it!!! Why even mention it in the first place? These things aren�t supposed to be porn, so what the #@%&!! is with the sex obsession???
Er, this rule was brought on by a "romantic comedy" short story, where during the obligatory sex scene, the "versatile" protagonist spends the entire night with his legs up in the air and his head banging against the headboard. In fact, it became clear that the protagonist ALWAYS ends up with his legs up in the air and his head banging against the headboard. More so, he apparently rather enjoys having his legs up in the air and his head banging the headboard. Good for him.
Not so good for the author, who felt the need to remind the readers that said versatile protagonist was not a bottom. Nope, nope, nope, not a bottom. ~sigh~ whatever.
Finally:
8) Describing a man�s penis as �his eight inches of man pleasure� will result in your book being thrown across the room and hopefully out of an open window.
I seem to have some issues with that �romantic comedy� short story.
more later,
nico
Music:
A Mariachi band. Someone on the hill is having a party.
Want:
Sweet, sweet sleep
Elsewhere:
So Graham Norton
<<That's a mighty lot of links you got there::::rough plots>>