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Stories from a man who fails to meet media expectations of what it means to be gay:
white, frivolous, over sexed yet sexless, shrill, single, stylish, a clown, unimportant, et al.
Sat 09/28/2002
36 explanations
I've decided that I made the game in the last entry too hard. Looking at it now, I realize that I should have phrased the lie differently, made it far more obvious that it was a lie, or more likely, I should have just made up a blatant lie, such as I am bi, or I grew up in wealth.
Thanks to ursa, pallo, and Mark for participating. If you want to be real nice, go over to her site and congratulate her on her recent engagement.
In case anyone was curious, here�s the list again, with some brief explanations:
1)As a child, my voice was good enough that I sang with a choir, as an adult, an asthmatic frog with throat cancer would sound better.
(While I can no longer sing, I can still hear, which is why I don't sing.)
2)I've seen things which do not exist. Boo.
(Officially, I do not believe in the supernatural. Unofficially, I just sort of ignore/accept when weird things occasionally happen.)
3)Once at a gay beach, two skinny, white, twink boys ran up to me, called me fat and ugly, then ran away laughing.
(A friend once wondered if their comments had something to do with my being the only nonwhite guy there that day, an idea supported by if nothing else, the fact that I was rather skinny back in college.)
4)I've had phone sex once. I was in California, he was in Rarotonga.
(By the time Peter and I realized we interested in each other, he had moved halfway across the Pacific. We had what you might call bad timing.)
5)I was 20 the first time I ate corned beef hash.
(Which was also the only time it has ever tasted good)
6)I've done drag once in my life.
(For a very unfunny comedy sketch designed to stretch out the senior fashion show in high school. Yes, sad.)
7) I do not own a suit.
(I do have one battered sports coat that gets dragged out of the back of the closet when I need to look respectable.)
8)The first time I woke up from surgery, I could not remember how to speak English.
(It was about a half hour before it occurred to me that I knew something besides Spanish.)
9)I was nearly run over by a car during a Queer rights march.
(The police officer who witnessed the car rush the marchers, yelled at us for demonstrating in the first place.)
10)I do not know how to nap properly.
(Some people can power nap and wake up refreshed and energized. Not me. I either can�t fall asleep at all, or over sleep for several hours and wake up exhausted and cranky. Nap time in kindergarten was torture.)
11)I�ve only been on one grunion run.
(A lie, While I have gone fishing on occasion, I�ve never chased them on foot in an attempt to catch and eat �em. Yes, a dumb lie. Something phrased as an absolute statement such as �I always go each and every single damn year� would have been better.)
12)After seeing me dance for the first time, one of John's college buddies, told him that he was a very lucky man.
(It was her firm belief that good dancers made good lovers. Something about rhythm.)
13)Halfway through an introduction to basic drawing class, I was offered a space in a performance art workshop/course.
(I was tempted, but it conflicted with the molecular biology class I needed to graduate that spring. Occasionally when half asleep I wonder what it have been like if I had pursued art instead of science.)
14)My feet have essentially permanent sport sandal tan lines.
(A hazard of my sandals, shorts, and t-shirt existence. Hmm, would this please or bother a foot fetishist?)
15)The closest I've ever come to a threesome was making out with a guy on one end of a couch, while three guys were �busy� with each other on the other end.
(This was back in college. Thinking about it, that was a very large couch. )
16)At a gay bar, a man leaned over me, ignoring me as he tried to pick up the woman I was hanging out with.
(He left as soon as he realized that she was not a cute, young, sporty guy, but rather a cute, young, sporty dyke.)
17) I once watched a B&D porn video with a certain lesbian friend of mine.
(We laughed and made fun of it while watching it backwards.)
18) My husband is a vegetarian but I still eat dead flesh.
(I can never watch cooking shows on tv if he�s in the room.)
19)I am always surprised when find out someone finds me attractive.
(Yes, I am.)
20)Only once, have I ever been with a guy who had a higher sex drive than I did.
(No, I�m not telling.)
21) I really want to taste white pepper ice cream
(John, the master of the ice cream machine, refuses to make any.)
22)I�ve never been high.
(Discounting anesthesia that is.)
23)I�ve never been drunk.
(Yes, I�m dull.)
24) I haven�t worn a wristwatch in nearly two years
(I stopped, when it occurred to me that between my pager, my cell phone, my car, nearly every appliance in the house, and practically every person around me, I was surrounded by clocks.)
25)To my horror, I�m starting to like beets.
(Yes, horror.)
26)Unlike many people I know, I�m not afraid of speaking in public.
(It never occurred to me that it was suppose to be scary.)
27)According a woman I met last year, I am an Angel pretending to be human.
(Apparently she knew because she was an angel as well.)
28)I was/am convinced that if I did not die when when I was 32, I would die when I was 80.
(That gives me 45 more to go if I did my math right.)
29)It always confuses me for a moment, when gay guys call me �girl.�
(Not that I�m super butch or anything, I just never got used to the gender switch talk thing.)
30)A man once tried to pick me up at a BDalton�s when he noticed I was looking at a photo book of male Australian lifeguards.
(I really should get around to telling the story of �mallman.�)
31)A woman once accused me of being a self hating Mexican because I don�t like Menudo.
(I�m also not fond of napales, pozole, and chile reyenos.)
32)I�ve never had a girlfriend.
(Yup, I�m a big ol� Mo.)
33)When I was a very young kid, I would have conversations with the crows that lived in my Tia's walnut tree.
(I do not remember what we talked about.)
34)If I�m tired or not paying attention, I�ll sometimes slip into Spanglish.
(A hazard of speaking neither language properly.)
35)To my knowledge, I have had one secret admirer.
(He/she would call me, then get too scarred to speak. I would tell them it was ok, that I would wait for them to say something when they where ready. After a minute or so they would usually hang up. Rather sweet in an odd way.)
36)I read comic books.
(Yes, this one was a give away.)
more later,
nico
Music:
a random cd filled with zoul, reggae, and socca.
Want:
my hubby to kiss the back of my neck
Elsewhere:
the guest map thingie I put up.
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