Stories from a man who fails to meet media expectations of what it means to be gay:
white, frivolous, over sexed yet sexless, shrill, single, stylish, a clown, unimportant, et al.

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26 lies about 26 men.
H is for Hank:

MyBlog Journal

10-8-05
Matt was telling me about this blog stuff, and how maybe writing and sharing things might help me get a handle on them. I don�t know if it will or not, but it can�t hurt I guess. My name is Hank and I am straight. Well, mostly anyway.

I messed around a little with other boys when I was a kid, and in high school a guy gave me a couple of hand jobs, but that�s all, just the usual stuff. I like girls. I love having sex with them, but it�s the relationship part that�s hard. Lately I�ve been wondering if maybe things would be easier with another guy.

I guess I would be 100% totally straight if I weren�t a bartender at a gay bar. Working there is not something I would have pictured myself doing, but the tips are a hell of a lot better than I can get from working in normal places. Any time I need extra cash I just take my shirt off. Hell, if I ever tried that back at the Steer N� Ale, Old Ben would have fired my ass, but where I�m working at now, it�s like ringing the feeding bell and the queers all come running up to me waving bills.

Ben never did like me that much, and he finally did have a reason to let me go, of course that was cause they closed the place for good, so he probably didn�t get too much satisfaction out of it, seeing as he was out a job a well. So I needed work quick, and my friend Matt told me about a job at a bar he goes to sometimes. Matt is a good guy like that, always looking out for his friends.

I�d never have guessed that he was queer. He�s not fussy or effeminate or anything. He�s into football, drives a Ford, he looks and acts totally normal. I only figured things out about him cause he is my next door neighbor, and I would see dudes leaving his place late at night or really early in the mornings. Matt is normal, straight acting is what they call it, but not all of the dudes he hooks up with are.

I knew he was gay for sure when I saw one guy leaving his place on a Sunday morning. The dude was huge, like a professional body builder, but then he got on his cell and it was like he turned into a teenage girl. Matt laughed when I told him about the guy and he made a joke, something about Tarzan and Jane.

I thought the dude was weird, but working at the bar now, I see a lot of guys like that. Matt says when a kid gets beat up all the time for being a sissy it does weird things to his head so they overcompensate and take steroids and shit, but it doesn�t matter, they�re still just big girls. It�s kind of sad.

Even though you would think Matt and I have nothing in common, we started hanging out, drinking beers, watching games, and talking bullshit with each other. He�s a really good guy. When I started bartending, I was worried about what to expect, but my boss Tony told me to say that I was in a relationship if someone tried to ask me out or something. He also told me not to tell any of the customers that I was straight, cause it looks bad, him not hiring a gay guy. Matt said that was good advice, so I followed it.

That first night I was so nervous. It was weird having guys looking at me like that, but Matt said to think of it as a compliment, and not to worry about it. A few guys asked me out, but I told them I wasn�t available, and I guess it got around, cause even though the regulars still tease me about how good looking I am and how they would love to do me, they aren�t serious about it. Well, mostly anyway.

Every once in a while a dude will ask if we can hook up, some of them even offer to pay, but it�s usually easy to tell them no. The last bartender got fired cause Tony caught him fucking this underage kid in one of the bathroom stalls, so even if I went crazy and was tempted for some action, I�d say no, but most of the guys who offer are sort of ugly, so it�s not a problem.

Except that not all of them are ugly. I�ve never spent much time looking at guys, I�m straight, why should I? But every once in a while I will see some guy who is so good looking that if he came up to me and asked me to give him a blowjob instead of the other way around, I�d be tempted.

As if that�s not bad enough, last night there was this drag queen show. They have one every month so I�m getting used to guys in dresses, but this one was different. Most of the time they look goofy, like clowns, not last night though. I met the guy doing the show before he got all dressed up and he was this good looking black dude, but man, when he was all made up like a girl, he was beautiful. It was hard not to look at him and think about getting it on with him, even though I knew what was really under that dress. If he had offered I would have had a hard time saying no.

I think I could handle this if it was just being tempted by drag queens and a hot dude every once in a while. I would just say that I�m open to a lot of experiences, and not worry about going queer or anything, cause hey, in a pinch a mouth is just a mouth, but the problem is Matt. Last week we were at his place smoking and watching old slasher movies on TV, and I don�t really know how it happened, but he ended up giving me a blowjob. Hell, that�s not true, I do know how it happened. I just don�t know why I let it happen.

He apologized afterwards and blamed it on his being high and said that it would never happen again. Ever since then things have been kind of weird between us. I guess I knew that Matt kind of liked me that way, but until that night he was cool about not coming onto me. Sometimes I�d catch him looking at me or checking out my butt, but we would both pretend that he wasn�t. To tell the truth, I kind of got off on knowing he was into me. It was OK because nothing was ever going to happen, but something did happen, and I kind of want it to happen again, but different this time. I don�t just want him to do me. I want to make him feel good to. I think I could that. Do all of that I mean, even the kissing. I really like Matt. As a friend I mean, a really good buddy, or maybe I mean more than that.

Even though he said it won�t happen again, I think he would be up for it again, but I don�t know if that�s a good idea or not. He doesn�t ever seem to date the same guy for very long. Most of the time he just has one night hook ups, and he never stays friends with them afterwards. I�m confused about things right now, but I know I don�t want that. I think I want something more. If Matt and I do something again, I�m worried that for him it will be like his other guys, and that we won�t be able to be friends after. I don�t want to lose him as a friend.

This sucks. I don�t know if I can give him want he wants, or if he can give me what I want, or even what the hell it is I want in the first place. I guess I need to think about this some more. If I�m brave enough, maybe I�ll let him read this.

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