Stories from a man who fails to meet media expectations of what it means to be gay:
white, frivolous, over sexed yet sexless, shrill, single, stylish, a clown, unimportant, et al.

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Confusion

Like many, I still have not managed to fully comprehend what occurred Tuesday morning. Like many, I have had to give myself time to not think about what occurred. It all still seems so unreal, more like a movie with an unbelievable plot than real life.

Traffic Tuesday morning was very heavy due to a freeway closure and accidents. I eventually gave up on the freeways and took streets into work, listening to news on the radio. At stop signs and red lights, I could see grim faces in other vehicles and in one case, a woman crying. The majority of the people around me however, seemed unaware of what was happening on the East coast.

We were on alert at work, but with everything happening on the other side of the continent, there was very little that we could really do.

My day was spent with the radio on listening to news and watching a grainy, ancient "WatchMan" that my boss kept in his truck. We worked on projects that were due, but in all honesty, we spent more time watching images of planes crashing and buildings burning.

I also spent a lot of time wishing that I had internet access at work. I was fairly certain that my concern for Drew among others was unwarranted, but since I did not know the layout of Manhattan, I was still worried.

I only know a couple of people who live in New York and they are OK. Everyone I knew who lived in Washington DC moved to other parts of the country years ago and none of them worked or knew people who worked in the Pentagon.

As I have implied above, I have never been to New York. From reading TinMan's entries regarding these events, I can imagine just how crowded and lively the World Trade Center would have been, filled with workers, commuters, tourists, shoppers.

I can imagine just how crowded it would have been that morning.

Since Tuesday, there have been stories of bravery and loss. Stories of determination and courage.

Unfortunately, there have also been stories of opportunity and hate, such as price gouging at gasoline stations and rocks being thrown at a school bus filled with Middle Eastern children.

I am not sure that I understand hate. I understand anger. I have been angry. We all have been angry, but anger is fleeting and quicksilver, while hate, the sheer, burning, rolling type of hatred that overwhelms reason and determines someone else's life to be worthless, that is something entirely different.

I am afraid that I am rambling. I'm afraid that whatever point I was trying to make has been lost, or rather, that there was no real point to begin with.

I started off this entry by stating that I do not fully comprehend what happened and instead of helping me consolidate and organize my thoughts, I think writing this has left me even more confused.

But, in addition to confused, I am thankful. Thankful that the people I know are OK. I am also hopeful. Hopeful that there will be more survivors and more good news.

More later

nico

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