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Stories from a man who fails to meet media expectations of what it means to be gay:
white, frivolous, over sexed yet sexless, shrill, single, stylish, a clown, unimportant, et al.
Martes 07/29/2003
Liar
I am a purveyor of pornography, a king of fetishists. Not your average tired and predictable porn mind you, I carry no wearisome S & M gear, no boring bondage videos, no dull latex, and no yawn inducing spandex superhero costumes in my stock. Instead I deal with articles of a more refined nature. Selling merchandise of a certain aesthetic value is my stock and trade. I specialize in accessories that require both imagination and a sense of adventure.
My most popular item right now is a video collection of various people sneezing loudly. It would be a huge mistake to underestimate the multitudes of men who appreciate a good sneeze. In fact the entire bodily noises genre does well. Belching, flatulence, or the welcome sight of legal age college students wheezing as they suck on inhalers, it is all very much in demand.
Swiftly gaining in popularity are esoteric holiday items. Of these, the fastest moving is a DVD copy of an old grainy head film from the late sixties of someone dressed in a full body rabbit costume hopping up and down thirteen times. Not eleven, not twelve, not fourteen, but thirteen times. Thirteen, now that�s the ticket. The next best item is a set of novelty trading cards featuring close up photographs of people�s faces as they eat Christmas cookies with their mouths open. Supposedly there is a short movie featuring middle-aged twins with loose dentures chewing baklava, but no one has ever actually seen it, no one reliable anyway. If this holy grail of the oral-visually obsessed does in fact exists, I could make a fortune.
It�s probably just a myth though. What is real and has me the most excited right now is my new line of home amateur videos, which also happens to be the most profitable thing I�m dealing with at the moment. It is amazing how many people will respond to flyers stuck in their car windshield wipers. It is amazing how many people will give away all rights to homemade videos of themselves engaged in their favorite sexual activities just so that they can say that they are porn stars.
I�m beginning to do big business with these videos. It doesn�t matter if it�s four short, hairy men dressed in kilts and yoda masks playing basketball; an elderly woman wiggling her toes in the sand; a bald, sunburned, obese, white man wearing a badly fitting rainbow color afro wig while dancing a hula, or a forty-year old woman screaming �I�m a happy little teacup!� over and over again at the top of her lungs as she removes her makeup at the end of the day, it�s all moving quickly.
I�m happy to be able to provide such wholesome and nonexploitative materials to the masses, and who knows, if you want, maybe I can assist you in becoming a star!
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